My Slap List

We all have lists. Grocery lists. To Do lists. Wish lists. Well, I have a People I Want To Slap Silly list.

Yep, and it’s growing LONGER by the day.

The first on my list to slap are people who let their dogs bark uncontrollably. By these people, I mostly mean my neighbors. I love dogs. I have two myself. However, I don’t—I repeat, I DON’T, let them bark—EVER! And I would NEVER let them bark at midnight, or two o’clock in the flippin’ morning! What is IT with people who put their dogs outside, for hours upon hours, so the dog can bark at every single thing that moves—including LEAVES! Are these people deaf? Don’t they hear the irritating yapping? And if they don’t, where is their common courtesy for their neighbors? Don’t they realize that other people DON’T WANT to hear their dog's yelping? Are they that dumb? OH.MY.GOSH.I.COULD.GO.NUTS. And yes, I’m the type that WILL call the police. So, if you live even remotely close to me, put your dog inside or risk having the police come to YOUR door.

Next on my list of people I want to slap silly are inconsiderate drivers. What is up with these people? How difficult is it to wave your hand; flash your lights; honk your horn, when someone lets you go as a courtesy? I’m telling you, sometimes I wish I had a vehicle that could RAM these inconsiderate jerks. EVERY time another driver gives me a courtesy, I honk my horn, wave, or flash my lights. And people who DON’T do one of those are complete and utter jerks and deserve to be slapped up one side of their fat head and down the other REALLY HARD.

Oh, and how about people, but mostly teenagers and really young adults, who BLAST their rap music so that everyone on the OUTSIDE of the vehicle can hear: BOOM—BOOM—BOOM, yeah, because THAT’S such a lovely sound. And it’s really great when these idiots drive through a neighborhood and the boom-booming is so LOUD that it shakes the windows in the house, WHILE you are sleeping (or at least trying to) at one o’clock in the morning! THAT music can NOT even sound good on the inside of the car, either. Please explain to me how they can even hear anything else! Like a police or ambulance siren, or a car horn, for that matter. These morons will have major hearing problems by the time they’re full-fledged adults and won’t be able to hear a darn thing when they have children (that might not be a bad thing!). But still—dial it DOWN when you’re driving through neighborhoods, especially at NIGHT!

Speaking of ears. How about drivers with cell phones plastered to them! WHAT, pray tell, is so all fired important, that you MUST talk on the phone, while driving! Are you saving a life? Then get the hell off the phone, and go save it already! And women, I hate to admit, are the worst offenders! Plus, they are the ones who can’t say “thank you” when you give them a courtesy because one hand is on the steering wheel and the other is HOLDING the gosh darn phone to their ear! PUT IT DOWN and honk your horn!

Then there are the cell phone users in stores. OH.MY.GOSH. Can any of them speak in a normal tone? No, they all talk as if the ENTIRE store needs to hear THEM! Do these people really think anyone wants to hear about their date last night? Or argue with their “other”? I mean they are walking through the store, with a cart, ignoring their kid(s), talking on the phone! Talk TO your kid! It takes everything in me NOT to ram my cart right into their ankles! THAT might hurt more than slapping them upside their empty heads.

I also want to slap people silly who can't chew with their mouths CLOSED. This includes GUM. Who raises people that chew like COWS? And WHY do people think it's so cute to crack their gum? Is it code for check me out I'm a cow hot, or something? I think that sound ranks up there with dogs that bark uncontrollably and static radio stations. My sons have been warned that if they bring home a girl who chews like a cow, I'll break her jaw. Yeppers, I hate it THAT much! CLOSE your mouth while you chew, because it's really gross to HEAR someone else chewing their cude food!

Okay, those are on my Slap List, for today. I’m sure I'll be able to add to it tomorrow, because I’ll be DRIVING! And going into a store, and just being NEAR people!

So, who do you want TO SLAP?