They Found Me!

**Disclaimer—Mature Language**

I had no idea that the Government of Nigeria was so efficient! Those buggers tracked me down, offered me $7.5 million dollars—and all they want in return for said efficiency is my name, address, direct phone numbers, age, occupation, and copy of identity!

[INSERT EYE ROLL HERE]

These spammers manage to get on my one last nerve, even if I some how happen to have a spare. I have no clue why they continue with these scams. Do people still fall for them? If they do—well, what can I say, except, they're pretty damn dumb. However, I like to mess with them (scammers, not damn dumb people), even if they don’t comprehend or stop—call it stress-relief, call it craziness, call it whatever you want—but here’s my reply to the most recent Nigerian scam email:

Dear Mr. Victor,
I do declare! I’m ever so excited that my name was miraculously discovered as next on the list of the outstanding beneficiaries who has not received their payments due to wrong information and misconduct from the people my payment file. (It’s safe for me to assume that English is NOT your first language there Bucko.) I must also declare that those who handle payments at the Office of the Federal Minister of Finance of the Federal Republic of Nigeria really suck! And it’s super-duper that you, Mr. Victor, who is not only happy but one upstanding Nigerian Citizen, has taken it upon himself to correct this wrong information and misconduct.

HOWEVER…and I will type this slowly because I’m sure you can’t read fast, and I’m also pretty sure you’re cerebellumly challenged.

There is no fucking way you discovered MY name on anything, anywhere, except for a purchased email list, because the name Pamela D. Hart is NOT my official name, as it’s a pseudonym, as in, I’m a writer who writes blogs. And if you are unaware as to what THEY are, click this here linky, and it will explain them to you in great detail. Therefore, YOU are not correcting any wrong information or wrong doing -- YOU are actually engaging in it!

I’m curious Mr. Victor, as to why you want me to RE-CONFIRM my name, phone #, etc. If you already have this information, why not just send the payment valued US $7.5M (Seven Million Five Hundred Thousand United States Dollars Only) as you said it will to release to me as soon as you hear from me so soon.

Well, you’re hearin’ from me! By all means, RELEASE that sucker SO SOON! And seriously, $7.5 million only? ONLY? Come on now, Gerald…Baby! Why not make it a cool even ten mill? I think the extra $2.5 million is well worth my time and aggravation for even trying to make an effort to read your email, which is not only one fucked-up scam, but also filled with more grammatical errors than a 4 year old’s attempt at a press release.

I must also add that if you are going to send out scam emails in order to steal dim-witted people’s life savings, the very LEAST you could do is make sure your salutation is gender friendly. I mean seriously, addressing me as “Sir” when it’s obvious “Pamela” is a feminine name, is quite inappropriate, and rather insulting! I’d much prefer Ma’am, Miss, Ms. or even To Whom It May Concern. Because $7.5 million dollars would concern a lot of dumb-asses, although I’m sure I don’t qualify, because, those information’s of which you furnished and would be made to me in a fully certified by the paying bank, is bullshit. Yes, bulls do shit, but in this case, it just means you and your scam are totally jacked, as in suck. And if you don’t understand any of that—then hell, let's just say, we're even.

And if none of the above made me decline, I would most assuredly refuse simply because… ANYONE WHO WRITES ME AN EMAIL IN ALL FUCKING CAPITAL LETTERS MEANS THEY ARE YELLING AT ME, AND I DON'T LIKE BEING YELLED AT—THEREFORE, YOU MAY GO STRAIGHT TO HELL AND TAKE YOUR GOD-DAMNED SPAM EMAIL WITH YOU! I'M NOT A FUCKING IDIOT.

Have a nice day,