My Date Application Was Rejected!

One day while perusing the blogosphere, I came across a blog authored by a single dad. Curious, I read a few posts and found that this dad believed he was fun-- as in a cross between Al Bundy and Ray Barone (his analogy, not mine). He was also looking for love and even had a link for an on-line date application. I emailed him and asked if it was a “joke”, he responded that it wasn't meant to be, but I could treat it like one. So, trying to have some fun with the man who was half Al Bundy and Ray Barone, I emailed him a filled-out date application saying “I’m trying my hand @ humor. I hope it’s fun.” Well, I never did hear back from him. I guess it’s safe to assume he didn’t find my attempt at humor very funny. (A couple answers might not make sense because I was referring to his blog post; like the ashtray comment, but just go with it, K?)

SINGLE DAD DATE APPLICATION:

Name (your real one, please): Pamela D. Hart

Current age: Current age of what? In wine, the older the better. In milk, not so much.

Where are you from?: It’s all relative, as in my mom and dad.

Where do you currently reside?:  Would a box under a bridge be a deal breaker? 

How did you find this page?: I'm NOT a stalker!


Why are you filling out this form?: To see if you really read these applications /are just looking for blog traffic/ blowing smoke up everyone’s ass/really have a sense of humor...which one do YOU prefer?


Highest level of education completed/currently working towards: What if I said I was working towards a Pulitzer? Or how does a High School Dropout just trying to pass my GED sound? Would either of those get my application a speedier process?

Why do you think you want to go out on a date with me?: I don’t. I just want to entertain the man who says he’s part mixture of Al Bundy and Ray Barone.

If you were to become a blog post, what should your name be?: I’m not so sure I want to become a blog post, as I’m quite happy being a woman. However, I did have a dream where I became a cloud once.

What is it that you find most attractive about me?: Wow, conceited much? What even makes you think there’s any attraction?

When would you like to go out with me?: In this lifetime? Never.

How attractive do you think you are?: Are you asking me to be vain? Alrighty then. I’m quite attractive, if you like your women blonde, blue-eyed, tall and thin. Although, I taste like an ashtray, but I wouldn’t suck your tongue out of your mouth, if I somehow reconsidered that lifetime no-date deal.

How attractive do others think you are?: Would this be in the real world, or MINE, where everything is rainbows, puppy dogs, and Starbucks delivers 24/7—for free.

Are you crazy?: About what? Shoes? Yes.

What is the first thing I would notice about you?: That I’m larger than life .

What will my reaction be when I first see you?: Do you like redundancy? This reminds me of that psych test I took. Nothing like changing a few words so dumb people think the question is different. You will think I am larger than life— no not my big ass tote of a purse! Me!

What should I wear?: Ah— clothes would be nice.

What will we do on our first date?: You do remember that in this lifetime we will not date, don’t you? So, it would be an interview, because you found my application so interesting, which compelled you to interview me for a special article. That said, we will go to a restaurant, which is preferably crowded, because you could be some stalker-like person, and I want to ensure my safety, although I do have a license to carry.

What will we drink? I don’t know about you, Mister-Booze-A-Lot, but I will have coffee.

How much does it take to get you drunk?: Ever hear of AA? And if you remember correctly we’re on an interview.

What can we converse about?: I would probably monopolize the conversation, because I’m like that— controlling and all.

I should compliment you by saying: That you love how my belt matches my shoes, and how you are so ever impressed that I found earrings to match my necklace, which remarkably matches my bracelet and that you think I’m a complete fashion genius to have jeans with patches that match the exact color of the speckles in my shirt! (Just because I’m OC doesn’t mean I don’t appreciate groveling, even on an interview, for Pete’s sake. And no, you can NOT speak to Pete. He’s MY friend!).

Finish this sentence: “I like a man that… knows his place on an interview, because it is not a date— keep that in the mind, or should I plaster a Post-It on my forehead as a reminder?

After dinner we should?: Well YOU should pay the damn check!


How will our fabulous date end?: My goodness. Are you impaired? It’s NOT a date! However, our INTERVIEW will end with you paying the damn check and publishing the article!


In just a few words, please tell me why we should go out. Be as descriptive and graphic as you want to be. Feel free to send a photo(s) if you like. Here you go with that date shit again, as if I haven’t been explicit enough—that not in this lifetime, nor the next, will there be a flippin’ date. I have a number for a good therapist; she may be able to help you with this impediment thing you have goin’ on.

Once received, please allow 2-3 business for your application to be evaluated and a decision to be made. Unless you’re hot. That speeds up the process. A lot. If you’re hot (and can prove it) expect an e-mail momentarily! Allow 2-3 business…Would that be minutes, day, months? And why does an applicant have to be “hot” to receive a speedy application process? That’s awfully unfair to those who are temperature impaired.

Personally, I thought it was pretty darn funny and don't know why a man who is part Al Bundy and Ray Barone didn't dedicate a post to my humor, or at the very least, send me an email with a smiley face! But hey, that's just me. What about you? Have you ever filled out an on-line application and if so, were you serious or did you have fun with it? And if you did poke fun at it, how was your response handled on the other end?