Ah-Choo ~ Screw You

I’ve been with my husband for thirty years, married for twenty-four of them, and during all that time you’d think I’d have grown accustomed to his sneezes. Yes, HIS SNEEZES!

The man sneezes SO freaken loudly I practically jump out of my skin, unless I know it’s coming, then I stick my fingers in my ears like a damn four year old!

I don’t know WHY his sneezes are loud enough to shake the shutters off the house, but it’s not just him either. His brothers are the same way, so it must be hereditary, although his sisters aren’t that noisy! And thankfully, my youngest doesn’t have the affliction. My oldest does though, but not as bad as his father.

I have this fear of the two of them sneezing at the SAME time, bringing the ceiling down on top of us.

It’s bad enough my husband’s snores are loud enough to wake the dead (and keep me up all night), does he have to sneeze the living daylights out of me? Can’t I get a break? Is the man TRYING to put me in an early grave on PURPOSE? I mean he tells me frequently that he’ll dig a hole in the back yard and bury me in it, but then he’d have to put the dogs in with me, because they’d just dig me up! Where’s the love?

So, when he sneezes and scares the living shit out of me, I sweetly say, “When you’re ready to sneeze, stick your face in a pillow.”

“Then I won’t be able to breathe.” He argues.

“What’s worse, scaring me to death, or you not breathing?” My argument is more valid.

“I’m not going to win this, am I?” He says, knowing I’ll do my darndest to best him.

“I’m pretty sure I’ve been losing for the last thirty years with jumping out of my skin every time you sneeze! It’s your turn!” I tell him, not sure if this will actually get me any points, but it SOUNDS good at the moment.

“Your brothers are right, you ARE Twisted-Sister.” He uses my brothers’ nic-name for me, thinking I’ll get all pissy. Which I don’t, so no points for him.

“At least THEY sneeze quietly.” I one up him using a GOOD trait of my brothers, although, sneezing quietly might not get me many points. Shit.

He walks away, shaking his head. But I’m pretty damn sure he’s going to sneeze loudly again in the very near future and I’ll have to stick my fingers in my ears, which doesn’t really help because I have LONG fingernails, so I actually STAB myself in the ears!

It’s lose-lose for ME.

So the whole bless you crap should really be screw you, stop sneezing, or I’ll put a pillow over your damn face! Oh, and duct tape over your mouth while you’re sleeping.

All IS fair in love and war, after all.