How To Traumatize Your Kids At Christmas

I had some last minute gifts to grab, as usual. I’m not complaining, it’s what I do, just an FYI, for those of you who don’t know me too well. I showered, primped and grabbed a coffee, but it was decaf, as I’ve been having major palpitations lately and after seeing my doctor on Monday, discovered I have a heart murmur, so I need to schedule an echocardiogram along with my gynie doctor, dentist and mammogram—sheesh, I better get on the ball!

I digress.

No caffeine for me because that shit revs the hell out of my already racing heart and I don’t want it to explode. Not a good idea this time of year with so much going on and all. So I shopped with what energy my body could naturally muster, which wasn’t a whole lot, let me tell you. And I’ll have to disguise and wrap gifts using the same energy method. What? Oh, yes, I said DISGUISE gifts. That’s what I do. I need SOME fun now that my kids don’t believe in the old fat dude.

I mean seriously, what’s the use in wrapping, say, a video game, when your kid specifically asked for a video game, and he sees the box under the tree? He’ll know before he even opens the damn box! So, what is a mother to do? She is to hide it in a BIGGER odd-shaped box! That’s what.

 My kids are so onto me though that they don’t even bother shaking gifts anymore. I stuff boxes with newspaper and marbles so they have NO clue what’s inside until they actually rip the paper off and OPEN the box. Because I’ve been known to put their gifts in other boxes, like a box that once contained a set of hot rollers, or an empty Splenda box (I buy in bulk).

Last year, we got my then 13 year old a cell phone, which he wasn’t supposed to get until he was 16, but we broke our own rule (story for another day) so that really helped with the surprise. I added another line to my cell phone plan for him and bought him a phone, plus got a new free phone for my line, so my son saw MY new phone. When he opened HIS phone he actually thought it was MY cell phone BOX and was like, Just great Mom, what’s in here? When he saw the phone, he STILL wasn’t sure it was real and said, Why did you give me your old phone? I told him, Austin it’s YOURS. It’s NEW! It took a few seconds for it to sink in! I'm so glad I had that on video! It was freaken priceless! Although my husband says I’m mean and I traumatize them. I say it’s fun as hell and they’re fine. And anyway, they’re MY kids, so they already need therapy.

 This year, there is NO way I can disguise the one box for my youngest, so I’m going to type him little “hints” which I’ll place in little boxes and wrap. The first “hint” will be under the tree and it will tell him, in riddle form, where the next “hint” is. He will have to decipher the riddles of each “hint” in order to find his gift, which will be wrapped in a final “hiding spot”.

I did this with the weight set we purchased my oldest a few years back. It was too big to wrap, and if my husband had “built”  it, my son would've seen it before Christmas, so we left it in the bed of the truck and the riddle hints lead him to it. It worked out great, especially since it wasn't a bitter cold December! Lucky kid— traumatized my ass.

When I was a kid, I had to walk 20 miles UP a hill BOTH ways to and from school in twenty inches of snow with NO boots or mittens…and that’s when my kids tune me out.

So, yeah, I have to tease them. It’s called payback.

Hope you have FUN tricking wrapping and disguising gifts and traumatizing teasing your kids!