I'd Rather Have The Personal Robot

You just can’t escape spam emails or stupidity, no matter how exceptional your filters, and quite honestly, if anyone knows how to dodge the latter, I think I’d pay good, hard-earned money!

 Normally my email catches spam, but somehow this doozie went straight to my inbox. After reading it, however, I felt it was just TOO priceless to keep to myself, and not poke fun at…

 Hi Webmasters,
 I am website of Adult theme and I am interested for buy some text link of PR-2 (100 text links). Please send me your website if you have Adult related website of PR-2 Website. Also share if you are able to sell Link Building Type Links(100 Text Links) in Bulk or 100 contextual link of PR-2. Please share your sites with me with prices for 6 Month or 1 Year. Regards,
 Richa Verma

 Dear, I believe you are a Mister, Verma,

 It’s a pleasure to meet an Adult Website! I’ve never met one before, so I must say I’m actually quite tickled over this new experience. I can’t wait to tell my family and friends, those who believe in Aliens and Ghosts but haven’t actually SEEN any, that there really is a walking talking Adult Website, or at least one who types rather badly! This is better than Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus!

 I’m a little confused, though, so please clarify, why on earth you are interested for buy some text link of PR-2 because I’m kind of blonde and have no clue in this life, nor the next, what the Sam Hill a PR-2 is. Could you be referring to the Personal Robot? Because if you are, I could actually use one of those! I hear they are actually pretty good at folding laundry, and in my household, I need all the help I can get!

 Somehow, though, I don’t think your PR-2 is a personal robot. And like I said, I’m a blonde, but even a five year old would wonder why you want ME to send YOU my website IF I have Adult related website of PR-2 Website (Did Jack Daniels help you compose this email or can I safely assume English is your third language?). What on this earthly plane gives you the impression that I even have a Website, let alone an Adult related PR-freaken-2 website?

 To top all of THAT bullshit, you want ME to SHARE if I am able to SELL! WTF!? And what the hell is Link Building Type Links (100 Text Links)—your redundancy is giving me a migraine. You repeat 100 Text links throughout the email and then explain that they are bulk. Like duh, one hundred would be BULK (I'm considering purchasing BULK Hostess Cupcakes, since the Twinkie Dudes can't count and are now bankrupt).

There you go again with the sharing of my sites (as in plural). So, NOW I have MORE than ONE?! Are you in dreamland or just hopped up on pills? You are aware that mixing drugs and alcohol can be detrimental to your brain cells…oh never mind, I think YOU’RE probably safe.

 Here’s the deal Richa. If I have a website, and I’m not saying that I do, I wouldn’t be interested in sharing, selling or being bribed and I especially don’t want some whack job who speaks English as a third language sending me spam letters to gin up business on his/her PR-2 Adult Website.

 In short, and I’m typing this S-L-O-W-L-Y, as I'm certain YOU can't read fast—leave ME alone! Leave OTHER self-respecting people alone. For the sake of Pete, and everyone that isn’t named Pete, close your email accounts, get OFF the internet, take an English course, then get a REAL job, because although you’re amusing, you’re also as annoying as my underwear creeping into my butt crack.

Sincerely,